The Final Embers
by Foxface is the Mockingjay
Summary: The blazing fire of rebellion has died down leaving the final embers. Leaving Katniss broken. But, as always, Peeta is there. Post-Mockingjay/Pre-Epilogue. The story of Katniss and Peeta healing.
1. Chapter 1

Silence fills the hours in between Greasy Sae's visits except for the occasional hiss or mew from the stupid cat. I'd like to believe that's how I truly want it to be, but it's not. It is what I deserve, obviously. Happiness, companionship, those things are not to be given to the girl who was on fire. Because my fire destroyed. It spread throughout the country, taking lives and leaving the country in shambles. So I deserve the solitude, the silence, and the sadness. I deserve worse, but even the effort of suicide seems like so much now. Something must be keeping me alive, as well. One cannot live without the will to do so. I simply can't name the thing, though.

The snow is beginning to melt. I can't decide if this is a good or bad thing. At least with the snow I had an excuse, a reason, to stay inside. Soon, people will be expecting me to go out and hunt and live again. I am not ready for this. I am not ready to hear the birds sing again.

Despite my protests, I find my feet taking me out the door where the air is unexpectedly warm, but I still grab my father's hunting jacket. It's warm and comforting against my skin, which I haven't bothered to look at it. I'm afraid of what I will see. I pass through the district when I see Madge's old home. All the bodies were found. Another family to add to my kill list. I had hoped she had escaped, gotten moved to the Captiol…

I do this for a few days. Walk to the forest- I don't bother fishing out my bow again, not yet. I just walk there and back, building my strength up. And avoiding the bush of primroses. Pretending to not know who puts fresh bread on the counter each morning. Pretending because I don't need to mess Peeta's life up more than I already have.

I try and try and try my hardest to act like he's not back, he isn't there, I don't miss him. But it's lies.

Then I realize it. I've had enough lies. What I want is honesty. What I want is _him_. It's not that simple. I'll have to work my way up to seeing him. Because he must think he owes me something, why else would he be doing things for me?

The first day, I tend to the primroses. I notice he must have been before me because they don't need much work. Which is good. It's getting warm and I am in no way ready to wear short sleeves for the entire world to see. I'm not ready for myself to see.

I keep saying that: I'm not ready. Will I ever be? Probably not. So should I let it hold me back? …I don't know. With my hands in the dirt of the primroses, I realize, she would want me to go on. Prim would say, "You can do it Katniss, I know you can. Do it for me."

I stand up, and wipe the dirt onto my pants. Who cares what I look like? Certainly not Peeta. Wait, I take that back. He used to seem to think I was pretty, but he must have been blinded by his old, forgotten love. I remember clearly him telling me I wasn't "particular pretty' the second time I saw him after the hijacking. After he could see the real me. But what does it matter? If I wasn't pretty before, what will a dirty-look matter?

Three soft knocks. Some noise from behind the door. My legs are screaming, _run!,_ but I plant my feet firmly. He opens the door and I am hit with so many emotions. Guilt, sadness, longing, and a flicker of…hope?

We stand there staring at each other and I wonder if he's playing a game similar to my, _"run don't run"_ game.

"Katniss?" he whispers. I shrug, refusing to meet his eyes. "What are you doing here?" What _am _I doing here?

"I don't know," I answer honestly. I peek up long enough to see him smile the same smile that first filled me with unexpected warmth right after our flaming chariot debut. It happens again. It's odd- I haven't felt anything really in so long. I want to cling to the feeling, but it passes quickly.

It leaves me feeling even more hollow than before.

"Um,…do you want to come in?" Peeta asks. I nod slightly and walk in, closing the door behind me. He must have been baking, I can smell the fresh bread. It smells nice. Familiar.

"You must be cold, do you want me to make you some tea?" he asks, but I think he just wants to have something to do because it's really only a light chill in the air. I'm not cold, but tea sounds nice and he looks uncomfortable so I nod.

"Sure, that'd be nice," I say in a quiet voice. He makes his way back to the kitchen and I stand in the entrance of the room. Sure enough, fresh loaves sit on the counter. I watch him quietly as he put the kettle on the stove. He turns back around and smiles at me. I try my best to return it, but I doubt it looked like much.

When the tea is done, he makes me come sit down at the table. We both stare out the window as we sip the tea. It's nice and warm. Like Peeta.

It's getting late. Greasy Sae will be over for dinner soon. I probably should leave.

"Peeta? I think Sae's about to be over-"

"Oh, okay. Bye Katniss. It was nice seeing you today."

"It was nice seeing you too." I mumble, getting ready to leave. But I don't want to say goodbye, not really. "Peeta? Do you want…to come? For dinner, I mean?" I ask.

"Sure," he says carefully. I can tell I have taken him by surprise. So we walk back over to my house, arriving only a few minutes before Greasy Sae. She slips me a smile and a wink when she sees Peeta.

Greasy Sae leaves right after she finishes, I guess she's leaving Peeta to make sure I eat. We don't say much, but the quiet isn't as awkward as before.

That night, I stare at myself in the mirror for the first time. I force my eyes to travel down the scarred length of my body. I swallow down the fear and look. Accept that this is what I am now. My face is spared of the patchwork, the scars only licking up to meet my neck. It's a hideous sight. Ribs poking out a sharp angles. Angry red skin sits in huge patches because my ultimate lack of consistent hygiene and upkeep.

Peeta comes back over for breakfast at my request and then again for dinner. This becomes our routine, eating together. It works for me because I am not as lonely and Peeta never tries to force me to eat more than the few bites I manage. Though he does give me disapproving looks. But every night he leaves, and I am left to face the demons alone again.

_A/N: Hello! I hope you enjoyed this first chapter! I hope to update a lot, but we will see. Reviews are loved, but I can't force you, can I? Thanks for simply reading, really. Much love, Sadie. Oh, and I obviously have no right to The Hunger Games._


	2. Chapter 2

I'm actually awake before Peeta arrives for breakfast. I go downstairs and notice no one is there yet. It's a bit unsettling, how empty the house feels. When I start to think about it, I actually don't remember Sae coming over yesterday morning. Peeta was there, but she wasn't. I suppose I assumed she had already left, but maybe she hadn't showed at all, knowing Peeta would be there.

On cue, Peeta knocks on the door. I make my way to open it.

"I've told you to just come in," I say.

"I forgot," he replies with a smile, clearly having remembered. Then he suddenly looks peculiar. I give him a look but shrug it off. Things can still be odd between us at times. He shakes his head as if to clear it. I feel worried about him, but he is ignoring it, so I do the same. "I brought you a surprise," he says, holding out a covered basket.

"What is it?" I ask. He shrugs in reply, handing me the basket. When I pull off the cloth covering it, I see a basket full of my old favorite, cheese buns. I can't help the smile breaking across my face. I touch the curve of my lips to make sure it's real. It may just be my first real smile in a long time. "Thank you, Peeta," I tell him. But when I look up, I feel very afraid for him. He has a pained expression. "Are you okay?" I ask.

He nods and takes a deep breath. "I'm going to go home for a bit. I'll see you later," he says much too quickly before he is out the door.

I stand there, dumbfounded, for a moment. Something is wrong, terribly wrong. It feels even worse to just stand around doing nothing. I make up my mind, and then I set down the cheese buns and bound out the door behind him, calling for him to stop, to tell me what's wrong.

"Please go, Katniss," he mutters when I catch up with him.

"No, Peeta, I won't!" I almost shout back.

"Katniss, you need to go, now!"

"Just let me help you,"

"I'll be fine, Katniss. Go."

"I'm not going to leave you. I'm not going to do that. Let me help you."

We're on his porch now. He almost turns to look at me, but he either changed his mind or it was a fake-out because the next moment he is gone through his front door.

I won't give up that easy, though. I practically laugh when the door wasn't even fully locked- a half-attempt at locking it was made, but I guess he was in a rush.

The living room is empty. I stay silent for a moment so that I can hear where Peeta is. I jump at the sound of a loud crash from upstairs. I hurry up the stairs, figuring he must be behind the only closed door on this floor. It's a guest bedroom in my home, so I assume it must be the same here. I rush to the room at the end of the hall just as another crash sounds. This door is actually locked.

"Peeta? Peeta, let me in." I beg, pulling on the locked door.

"Katniss?" he sounds confused. "You need to leave," he says like he did outside but now it sounds more mean and icy than like a warning. It sounds more like a threat.

"Peeta, open this door now!" I demand. Another crash. "I will stay out here all day if I have to." Crash. Silence. The silence stretches on and on. I give a defeated sigh and slump against the door.

"It's okay Peeta, you know. It's not real. If you think it is, ask me," I saw through the door. I want to help him, not give up in him again like I had before. Something hits against the wall, but then the loud noises fade stop for a longer period of time than earlier. I press my hands to the door, willing Peeta to let me help him. I feel like it's just another person I am letting down.

There's a wall clock in the hallway. Over an hour has passed, according to it. I wish I could just…just run in there and pull him from the shadows and show him what's true and what was fabricated by the Capitol, but he won't let me help. He's still protecting me, in his own way. It makes me angry. I don't need his protection! I wasn't the one who suffered at the Capitol's hand because of him. No, he suffered because of me and only I can help him. If he would just let me.

I guess he prefers to just let the moment pass because he finally breathes our beyond the door in a relieved way. I hear him shuffle to the door, unlock it.

I fall back when it opens; I guess I should have moved from sitting with my back against it when he unlocked it. Oh well.

Peeta stares at me from above.

"Well, don't step on me," I say, grinning, an attempt to lighten the mood. It works. His face breaks into a smile as well. It's a relief.

"Sorry, I didn't think you'd still be there," he says, helping me up.

"I said I would be." He just looks at me for a moment. "What?"

"Nothing,"

"Whatever," I say, rolling my eyes. We both stare at our feet then until we both make excuses to do other things. I end up going home because I feel so tired after my sudden escapade and so I end up going straight to bed where I watch the dust motes spin though the air until Greasy Sae arrives to prepare dinner.

Peeta doesn't come. I feel betrayed, which is stupid because it's not like he ever said he would come, but it was some sort of unspoken agreement. I'm tempted to be spiteful and not eat the cheese buns that had gone unforgotten earlier, but they look so good I cave and eat a few. Then I go back to bed, angry and restless until the night finally pulls me under.

_I'm in a perfectly clean white hallway. It seems to stretch on forever, and even though I never explored the place, I can tell it's a Capitol hospital. I try to determine why I am here and make my way down the hallway. All the doors are closed, except one on the end. Suddenly, someone comes bounding out of the room. Two blonde braids and an un-tucked shirt, Prim! I start to run to her, but she's so far. She sees me and smiles, but is distracted by something falling. What is it? I try to scream to her, to tell her not to open it, since it's one of the dreaded parachutes. It's too late, always too late. I reach her right after the bombs explode._

Screaming. It takes me a minute to realize it's my own. I cannot see the moon through the window tonight, so I guess it's a new moon. I don't keep a clock in this room, so I have no idea what time it is. Doesn't matter, really. I won't be getting back to sleep.

I throw the tangled covers off of me and walk into the bathroom. My hair is tangled and matted, so I step into the shower and wash it out- really out- for the first time in a while. It feels softer, but still brittle and uneven in most parts. After I step out, I peer at the girl. She looks almost like an animal- her eyes wild with, her hair ending at different lengths, and some sort of pattern of normal skin and pink patches. I'm afraid of her, I'm afraid for her. What does she have left? No best friend, no mother, and no sister. She's got nothing to live for. So why is she here? She doesn't even deserve to be here. Her scars are just a reminder of the fires _she_ caused, the deaths that were all _her_ fault. Of course, the wretched girl is me.

Thoughts consume my head, making me feel nauseous. An internal battle rages inside my mind. _It's your fault; you don't even deserve a chance at happiness! Not that you could be happy again. _Prim would want you to be happy. Peeta is there for you_. You have no one! You're all alone and you deserve it! Prim didn't die so you could mope around!_

I pull at my wet hair, begging it stop. Pleading the voices to be silenced. Another thought pushes them away for a moment.

I don't want this hair anymore. It's uneven and unhealthy and bad memory. I rummage around and find some scissors. They should do the job perfectly. Ruined locks of dark hair fall to my feet. Maybe I should get someone else to do this for me. Not only are my hands shaking, but I also can't see through the tears falling down my face. I don't even know when I started crying. I'm glad to be doing it, though, because each clip is like a jab at the monsters living inside my head. It's a way of…becoming someone new. Someone who is trying to rise from the embers. Maybe she doesn't deserve the chance, but she has to try. I have to try. For Prim. For Peeta. For everyone.

It's an uneven, choppy job but it's better than what it was. This is the shortest my hair has ever been. It falls right past my shoulders now. It feels…rejuvenating somehow. I happily sweep up the hair, discarding it and making some cheesy metaphor about throwing away once piece of the monsters. I'm not naïve enough to think it's all gone, though. It's still a step. Maybe Dr. Aurelius will be proud of me when I tell him I'll at least try. Of course, who knows how long this decision will last?

When the moment is gone, I take my place back on the couch and watch the sunrise, waiting for Peeta to arrive, wondering when my life switched to never talking to him, to expecting him to simply be there.


	3. Chapter 3

Haymitch decided to chose today as one of his monthly visits. Maybe Peeta made him come, or something, because they both arrive together for breakfast. Haymitch starts laughing at me the second he walks in and the glare I give doesn't seem to help.

It takes me a second to realize why he's laughing and then I remember I cut my hair. It's funny how easy it is to forget these things. I quickly put it in a ponytail, hoping it looks a bit better that way. I think maybe he asks for an explanation but I don't give him one. Why should I? Peeta stays quiet about it, but somehow I think he understands.

Peeta sticks around after Haymitch is gone.

"Is it really that bad?" I ask, "I just…wanted it gone. It was bad anyways,'

"No, it's not that bad, but maybe I can try to even it out for you?" he offers. So it is that bad. I nod and we go to the bathroom. Now, looking at it after the moment, it does look pretty funny, but I still think it's better than it was before. Peeta gets a concentrated look on his face as he evens out the ends. It's probably an impossible task, but I don't mind, His hands feel nice in my hair. I stare down at my nails- bitten down to the nub- to avoid blushing and him seeing it in the mirror.

He tells me it's done. Of course, Peeta is perfect at pretty much everything and did a good job of making it look even and even covering some of the thinner spots. It's still long enough to put into a short braid, so I do.

He's about to leave. I don't want to be alone. I'm scared to be alone. It's silly, he leaves after breakfast every morning, even stayed longer today, but somehow it terrifies me at this moment. And I don't want him to be alone either; I want him to let me help him, even if he refused yesterday. For some reason, the thoughts are making me angry. Especially since he just didn't bother to show up for dinner yesterday or even apologize for it. I can feel my skin itching with the irritation, and I don't even know where it came from.

"I guess I'll see you at dinner," he says, beginning his goodbye.

"Oh, you're going to show up tonight?" I bite back, unsure of the reason I do.

"Katniss, I'm sorry, it's just…" he stops himself from going on and looks at his feet, which he shifts uncomfortably on. When did we become like this? He looks embarrassed. Finally the pieces click together- his lack of an actual answer, what happened yesterday, his awkwardness at the current moment. I also realize it's not really irritation I am feeling, but anxiety. An anxiety that I didn't know how to deal with, so I turned it into anger.

"Why won't you let me help you?" I ask, my tone harsher than I meant it to be.

"I'm fine, Katniss,"

"No, you're not!"

"Well, look who's talking!" I can tell he is frustrated with me now. Calm Peeta would never have made such a comment. Maybe I'm being childish, but for some reason, it upsets me a lot more than it should. He must see this because he starts to try to apologize.

"No. You're right. I'm going on a walk," I state, effectively cutting him off while trying to keep my voice even, and storming out the door. I refuse to let the hot, frustrated tears fall.

I don't even leave Victor's Village. I just slump down on the walkway towards the front. Peeta comes down and sits next to me silently. I don't feel angry anymore. I feel drained, tired. I'd say I wished for sleep, but it's not like it would be restful.

"I don't know why I was angry," I whisper to the ground, refusing to look at him.

"I'm sorry too."

"We're so messed up, aren't we?" There's an echo of a laugh in my voice, but it's rather cynical. He just shakes his head.

"No, not messed up. Just a bit broken. It'll get better, though."

"How do you know?" I question.

"It has to. It always does."

I nod even if I don't know if he is right. I'd like to believe him, to be sure his words are true, but there's not guarantee. Healing requires…letting go. That's not easy. Doesn't that mean forgetting?

"Will you let me try to help you, though?" I ask. It needs to be better for him. For him, there is hope, isn't there? I'm unsure what makes the hope for us different, but I want, no I _need_ for there to be hope for Peeta.

"Why are you so concerned for me? Why not yourself?"

_Because I don't matter. You do. _I don't answer.

"You told me we protect each other. I remember most of it now- us protecting each other. We shouldn't stop, should we?" he asks.

"No, we shouldn't stop. We should keep going." I say.

So it's a deal, of sorts. We will protect each other. He will let me help him. I will let him help me. Each task is huge, maybe even impossible, but we have to try. It's in our blood to help each other, I think. Rooted down deep inside. A mutual need. This promise is one of the best choices I have made since my return. I wonder how Dr. Aurelius will react. I'm supposed to phone him tonight, anyways.

Peeta comes back inside with me. I suppose he could tell my fear of being alone right now. I run my fingers over the bookshelf, looking for a book to read. It would be better than just lying there on the couch like normal, and certainly better than the dreaded television. It hasn't been on once since my return.

I can hear Peeta making tea in the kitchen as I rummage through the shelves. It's mostly just props, I think, placed by whoever decorated the house before I moved in, A dictionary, something called an atlas, which turn out just to be maps of all the districts, a few books on each district and the Capitol. I'll have to get some new ones or something. I've never read much before, but I was one of the best readers in my class. Maybe now that I have nothing else to do, I'll find it enjoyable.

I move down to the next row as Peeta comes back in with out tea. I see it. I didn't even know it was on this bookshelf. My family book. I pull it out and hand it to Peeta silently. He stares at the cover, examining the faded words. Slowly, he pulls it open, moving to the pages he worked on. His fingers run over his painting, over my written words.

"We worked on this together, you got hurt somehow, real or not real?"

"Real. It was the only time we were normal."

"Somehow I remember you getting hurt…they locked you out of the district with the fence. I can't remember why though, well I can, but I don't think they actually locked you out because you're a mutt. No. What happened?" he asks, his brows, or what's growing back in, knit, deep in thought. I feel proud of Peeta for being able to tell that was wrong- even though I would've had no idea the Capitol would have messed with that memory.

"They did lock me out, the head Peacekeeper, but they wanted to catch me hunting, I guess. I had to climb a tree and jump over, and I got hurt. So we worked on the book together while I was on bed rest." He nods, accepting and reviewing the information.

"And I made you cheese buns. You're favorite."

I nod and smile at him. It feels good to see his improvement.

"Do you still paint?" I ask.

He nods. "My doctor said I should."

"Does it help?"

"Sometimes…I'd ask of you still hunt, but I know you don't. You should."

"Sometimes I go on walks to the edge. I haven't gone back in yet, though."

"You should."

I nod, thinking maybe I will go soon. It needs to happen. I can't avoid it much longer. I hear Sae make comments about fresh game, not the stuff shipped in from the other Districts occasionally as she makes dinner.

We sit there and sip our tea in silence for a while before Peeta really does leave. I don't want him to, but it's less scary than before. And I have his word that he will be there for dinner.

I flip through the books on the shelf again, just picking at random. I learn a lot about District 5 and the power they harvested before the memory of Foxface and her berries becomes too strong and I throw it across the room. What if they had been Peeta? The thought echoes through my mind, leaving me afraid. But it wasn't Peeta. He's only a few yard away and he will be here for dinner.

The phone rings, at 5 on the dot. Dr. Aurelius sounds surprised when I answer so quickly. Some days he never got an answer, other he rang and rang until Sae forced me to answer it.

"Miss Everdeen, how was your week been?" Same question. Every time.

"It's been a lot better, actually," I answer. I almost laugh at his obvious surprise- me, the mental Avox, speaking an entire sentence to him! How absurd!

"What made this week different?" he asks, quickly regaining his professional composure.

"Peeta," I answer honestly. It sums up a lot.

"You and Peeta have been talking?" His voice sounds concerned in a ridiculous way.

"Of course. Do you have a problem with that? Because it sounds like you do. If you do, then why did you send him back here?"

"Mr. Mellark asked to go home there. He didn't leave me any indication you two would become close again."

"But I don't see the problem,"

"Just be careful. Both of you." I'm about to say something else, but he keeps going. Something about routines again and letting go but I've tuned him out, wondering what his words meant. Just be careful. Of what? If we were threats to each other, he wouldn't have let him come back. So what is the problem?

"Why did you tell me to be careful?" I ask suddenly, cutting off a sentence about how I need to learn to forgive for myself, not for others, or something like that. He sighs at me.

"Miss Everdeen, both you and Peeta are very fragile people right now. I just don't think it would be best to be bringing back the confusion you two obviously faced before the most traumatic events added on with the past months of your lives. It just seems like it would be too much."

I hang up, coming to the conclusion this man is an idiot. What would he know anyways? I can't be any harm, can I?

Greasy Sae arrives around the 4th time Dr. Aurelius tries to call me back, I had almost unplugged it, but that's a violation of my permits to return here. Really, it's also a violation to ignore his calls, but he hasn't reported me or anything. I wonder what would happen if he did.

Sae picks up the phone despite my protests, so I leave the room, but sit in the hallway so I can hear what she says. She whispers but I catch enough to hear her sticking up for me. I'd thank her, but that would give me away. When I come downstairs, though, she gives me a look and informs me she knew I was listening in. I'm about to protest, but she's right, so instead I give her my thanks.

Peeta updates me on the cleaning up in the district over dinner. Evidently, it's gone pretty quickly and building should start in fall. He tells me about plans to open up a new bakery then. I do my best to encourage him to do so since I think it would be beneficial for many reasons. It's good to hear the changes, but also odd to think how the world just moves on even if your own stops.

We decide to go sit on the porch afterwards since the weather is so nice. We don't speak, but someone, rather something, else does. A meow. I turn and see the scruffy orange cat. He's not always here, he just stops by sometimes. Other times he goes searching…for Prim. But he won't find her. She's gone. She's gone and it's my fault. I couldn't save her.

"Katniss? What's wrong?" A concerned voice comes through the fog. It sounds so far away, yet no near. I don't have to answer. He knows what's wrong. His arms enclose me, hesitantly at first, but then they're there, warm and sure. He doesn't seem to mind as I sob into his chest, muttering her name over and over as if it will bring her back. _Prim, Prim, oh, Prim, why did you leave? Why couldn't I save you? _

"Shh, it's okay," Peeta says trying to soothe me, but once I quiet down enough, I can tell he's crying too. "I know, Katniss, we all miss her, but it's okay," he whispers into my hair. She was so lovely. She was so smart. She was going to be a doctor and help so many people. I would give anything to trade places with her, let her be the one alive. She deserved it. My poor Prim, not even fourteen…

Peeta carries me to bed. It's good because I just feel so drained I probably would have slept right there on the porch. He smoothes the hair out of my face as he says goodbye. Maybe I'm just too tired to think of the reasons I shouldn't, yet I know deep inside Dr. Aurelius was wrong. I need Peeta to heal, and maybe, just maybe, he needs me too, so I grab his arm and whisper the words.

"Stay with me."

"Always," he answers, and he does.


	4. Chapter 4

I almost panic when I feel an unknown weight on my arm. My eyes fly open, looking for the source, only to see Peeta. In the morning haze I had forgotten he had stayed with me. I try to remember the night…it wasn't free of nightmares, but it wasn't full of them. And Peeta was there to calm me down after the nightmare. I don't even remember what it was about.

I feel more rested than I have in all the months since my return to 12. I needed a good nights rest terribly. Dark purple bags always sat under my eyes. Looking at Peeta now, I can see he has them too. Sleep is not our friend.

He looks peaceful in his sleep. Almost like the 16-year-old boy I once knew. Only the bags under his eyes, the still growing eyebrows, and the one scar that licks up onto his face lets me know there is a difference.

I quietly slip out of his grasp, careful not to wake him. When I glance out the window, the sun is higher in the sky than when I normally wake up, but it is still rather early. I'm not sure what to do, so I heed Peeta's advice from yesterday.

I silently snatch some good hunting clothes and slip them on in the bathroom in the hall, as to not wake Peeta. He needs his sleep just as much, if not more, than I do.

My bow is in the closet. I grab it from its place and just stare at it for a moment. Memories flood back to me. They're good memories, of times spent with my father and time spent with Gale, but it hurts because I've lost both of my hunting partners. I have to remind myself I am not completely alone, though. Someone is there for me, right across the hall.

I quickly descend the stairs and out the door, pausing only to leave Peeta a note, explaining where I am going. I don't plan to be out long, but I want to go.

The trek to the woods isn't long. I can hear sounds coming from town, so I guess everyone's up to help with reconstruction already. The fence is still up, but it's actually meant to keep out animals now. For now, it's just propped up. A new one will probably be put in soon, with a gate. Right now, though, I can shimmy in through several spots. I choose the one closest to my home in Victor's Village.

It's beautiful here. The greens are bright, but not fake like in the Capitol. Insects can be heard, and the birds create happy tunes. Animals scurry around, all contributing to a feeling of the forest being alive. I take a deep breath. The smells are that of home. It feels so good to be here, I can almost push the thought that Gale should be here with me out of my head.

Thinking of Gale leads to thoughts of Prim. It's not that I blame him, really, I don't. I know he would never…it doesn't matter. I can't help but connect them.

It's impossible to deny that I want him here. I want him and his wisdom to help me figure out what's going on in my head. I want him to know what I am thinking before I say it. I wanted him to shout at me, "Hey Catnip, stop moping around and come hunting with me," or something. But the boy I once knew is gone. The new Gale has left me as well, taking some job in District 2 as Sae says. I haven't bothered to turn the television on, so I wouldn't really know myself, but she told me she saw him on the news.

I sit down and try to clear my head. This is supposed to be my place, the place where I can be happy. But the woods have so many memories…my father, Gale, Bonnie and Twill…

I try to think of the good things. Like learning how to swim with my father. My first successful through the eye shot, my father singing to the mocking-jays and them taking on his song. I find myself almost laughing when I remember being chased by the bear, and retelling the story to Peeta during training.

I continue walking, with no place in aim, when I stumble across an old snare. I remember this one, actually. Gale messed up on it, but left it up anyways, saying thate he was wondering if maybe he had stumbled across some genius. He knew he hadn't, but he didn't want to hurt his ego, I guess. I can't really remember the mistake, but I suppose it let animals free since nothing is trapped in it. I think about ripping it down, but it's my only connection to him anymore, so I leave it there, silently regarding it.

I didn't even an attempt a shot, but I feel ready to go home. I store the bow back into the tree it once was held in, instead of taking it back home. It belongs there, anyways.

When I get back home, Peeta is sitting on the couch, the plant book in his hands. When he looks up at me, it's as if I broke him from a trance.

"Hey. Did you have a nice time?" he asks.

I start to tell him yes, it was nice. But then I find myself saying something else.

"Why isn't he here?" I ask. "He was my partner. He was supposed to have my back! And he just…left! Then my mom left too! She ran off to 4. Why did they all leave me Peeta?" I'm crying as I ask him these things, and he doesn't hesitate this time to comfort me.

"Don't cry, Katniss, it's okay," he whispers, comforting me in one of my many random breakdowns.

"It's selfish, I guess, to expect them to be here for me, isn't it? Why should they be?"

"No, it's not selfish. It's just hard for them to come back," he tells me.

"Thank you for coming back, thank you for not leaving me," I murmur into his chest. It occurs to me only then how selfish I am being with him as well.

I jerk away suddenly, and he looks at me confused. I compose myself as best as I can and prepare myself to say what I am going to say.

"Peeta, I'm glad you came back, but it's okay if you leave now. Actually, you should leave." I begin. How can I force him to stay here? I'm sure he feels some sort of obligation to be here now. But that's selfish, Peeta deserves so much more than the dank district we live in. He deserves so much more than me.

"Katniss, I-," he begins, but I stop him.

"No, you should. The other districts have a lot more to offer you. I'm a lot better now. I can hold up on my own," _No, I can't._ "So it'd be okay if you wanted to start a new life somewhere else." I turn around so I don't have to look him in the eyes.

"Katniss, I don't want to go."

"Really, it's fine. This place has nothing for you," I say, brushing him off.

"You're here."

"What?" What? What does that mean? I'm here? I refuse to consider the fact that Peeta is here because he loves me. Those days are dead and gone. Peeta has seen the real me, not the image he created in his 5 year old mind.

"I said, 'You're here'" He states it firmly, but I ignore him still.

"I'm sure you could meet a nice girl wherever you go, too, one who isn't crazy…" I continue on. I don't need him thinking he has to stay here to take care of me. I can't hold him back

"I don't want to go," he repeats himself, being more assertive this time. I turn to look at him, confused.

"Why not?"

"You know why," he answers. No, I don't know why.

I don't get the chance to ask. Peeta gives me an excuse to leave, I guess, but I don't really hear it, and then he's gone, leaving me to try and decipher what just happened on my own.

_A/N: Thanks you who have reviewed! Now everyone can review, regardless if you have an account or not, so you should all stop by and drop one off. Thanks to everyone who has favorited and put this story on alert- it's nice to see. Have a lovely day._


	5. Chapter 5

"Katniss, you need to find a way to move past this all," he says to me over the phone. Dr. Aurelius tells me this every time we talk, but it is more profound this time. Maybe it's because now I feel like maybe, just maybe, there is a chance to move forward. A chance to breathe again.

"I don't know how," I admit to him.

"That's okay. It takes time. If you carry on with life, you'll soon find that things have meaning again."

"But if I move on, aren't I forgetting?" I ask him. How could I forget them, let their deaths go to waste?

"No. You'll never forget. Moving on isn't forgetting."

I murmur back some sort of assent, but my mind is now distracted from the conversation. He notices over the line and lets me go. Peeta's at his house, baking, so I am here alone. Maybe he would help me figure this out. Or I can do it on my own. That would be good.

Ideas fly through my head, but none of them really latch. How do I move on yet still remember? After toying with several ideas, I flop down onto the couch giving an exasperated sigh. I bury my head into my hands. _Think, Katniss, think!_ I fiddle with the edge of a book cover, thinking maybe it's one that I ordered, but no, those are still packed away. I peer over and see it's my family's plant book. It's out a lot. I think it helps Peeta remember good times, and for the most part, he still refuses to let me help him the way he promised. He insists I am helping him already. He's infuriating at times.

It does help with memory, this book. Even for me, for the plants I can't trust to memory…

_ A book!_

We could create a book for all the people lost over time, with all the details I fear forgetting. If I wrote them down, I wouldn't possess that fear anymore- I could let go.

I telephone Dr. Aurelius again.

"Miss. Everdeen, your session just ended, why are you calling back so soon?" he asks.

I tell him my idea then, for the book. He seems enthusiastic about it, and he tells me he is proud I came to the decision on my own. He leaves me with the promise to ship all the necessary supplies.

I already have some paper though. I'm itching to start, or at least ensure Peeta will help me create the book. Dr. Aurelius didn't even seem to care about it this time- maybe Greasy Sae's chidings did help.

As if she knew I was thinking about her, she walks in. While I watch her make dinner, I fight to ask her a simple question. I finally sigh and just force myself to do it.

"How do I ask Peeta to help me with a project?" I ask her. It's been in my mind, and the anxiety already creeping in.

"What sort of project?" she asks, glancing up from the meal.

"I, uh, well…a book, I guess. Of people…people who are gone…" I trail off, but she understands what I mean.

"I don't see why you can't just ask him."

I give her a scowl because obviously if I thought I could do that, I wouldn't be asking her, but she just shakes her head at me and smiles. I'm about to ask her what she means by that when Peeta knocks on the door.

After chastising him for continuing to knock, we settle down for dinner. Greasy Sae eats with us today, like she does sometimes. Throughout the meal, she gives me these looks as if to say, _Well, are you going to do it or not? _But I just ignore her, rolling my eyes when Peeta's not looking. She gives me one lasting look that clearly states, _do it!_, before she leaves.

Of course, I don't. I'm too much of a coward for that.

Peeta doesn't seem to notice Sae's actions, or if he did, he ignores them. I'm grateful for that, and really just for him in general. The nights are easier to face with him beside me.

Some forgotten terror leaves the two of up early. We decide there's no sense in trying to go back to bed, as the sun is about to rise. There is a sense of ambiance in the air, and I enjoy it, so I just stay with Peeta instead of going to the woods. Through the window, we watch the sun rise as we drink tea.

"Is something bothering you, Katniss?" Peeta asks suddenly.

"I, um, what do you mean?" I ask, fumbling with my words.

"You have just seemed…distracted since yesterday."

"I suppose I have been. It's because I have something to ask you, but I don't really know how. It's a project I guess. Like the book we worked on, you know the family plant book? It's like that, but with people. Like…a memory book. So we can make sure we never forget." I say, my words running together. I wish I had Peeta's ability with words, especially at times like this.

"That's a really good idea, Katniss. I'd love to help you," he replies with a smile.

We begin the first page with some of the paper left over from creating the plant book. Peeta understands me enough to not even ask if we should start on Prim. The wound is too fresh, and I am in no danger of forgetting her anytime soon. I see her every day and every night. Instead, we start with Rue. I take a sheet of scratch paper and jot down the things I'd like to say while Peeta sketches her on the paper.

_Rue loves music more than anything, except maybe her family. She was small, but she was strong. She reminded me of a bird in many ways. Her big brown eyes analyzed each situation with wisdom beyond her years…._

Before I know it, the sun has already risen and is now high in the sky. Peeta and I agree to take a break. He tells me he is going home to back so that he can give it those working on the reconstruction, like he usually does. I don't want to be alone right now, fresh with the thoughts of Rue.

"Would you mind if I watched you?" I ask, staring at the floor.

He just smiles and acts as if that is the silliest question I could have asked. Since all his supplies are at his house, we make our way there.

I watch silently as Peeta mixes all the ingredients. He always seems so concentrated when he bakes. The kneading motion is one he can do without thought, leaving him in a place of focus. I can almost pretend he is still my Peeta at times like this.

At some point, I get sick of sitting there and begin to roam his house. The set up is pretty much the same as mine, so there's really no point, but it gives me something to do.

I linger by one room in which the door is slightly cracked. I can just see a canvas, and I know this must be Peeta's art studio. Curiosity almost makes me push through the door, but I am stopped by the sound of a crash.

An uncomfortable silence follows the crash. There's no sound of Peeta cleaning up the bread pan I assumed he dropped. I carefully made my way back to the kitchen.

"Peeta!" I cried as I ran over to the hunched over form. His hands were yanking at his hair, so I pried them away, making him hold my own hands. He wouldn't look at me, but he wasn't yelling at me. I took this as a good sign.

"Peeta, it's not real. It's okay." I whispered to him, trying to replicate what he does for me when I have nightmares. His form is rigid, and he has a tight grip on my hands. It seems as if the grip is his grip on reality.

There really isn't much I can do except sit there with him, let him know he isn't alone. Most of the time he is alone for his flashbacks. I assume that they're one of the reasons we typically don't spend the entire day together. He doesn't like for me to be there for them, and I don't try to force myself into the situation. I would think me being there would make it worse, but he seems to far gone to even notice me right now.

After a while, his grip loosens and I can feel Peeta relax a bit.

"Katniss? I'm sorry about that," he begins, but I don't let him finish.

"You don't need to apologize for that, Peeta. You can't help it."

He just smiles sadly at me. We sit on the floor in silence for a good amount of time before Peeta tells me he needs to go pass out what he's baked. I nod, and almost go home, but instead I turn and ask him if I could make the rounds with him.

We walk down the road, not talking. Peeta waves at the people who pass and try to give them smiles as well, but I get rather annoyed by their obvious expressions of shock. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised- these people haven't seen me out and about, so it must be extremely surprising to see me out with Peeta. They're smart enough to quickly recover and not say anything about it.

When we get back to my house, Greasy Sae is already there. I hadn't paid attention to the sun's position, so I am surprised to see how late it is. I guess Peeta and I sat together longer than I had guessed.

She gives me a knowing smile as I pick up the unfinished papers off the desk.

A/N: As you can probably tell, this chapter just wouldn't flow…I don't know…I needed to get it out of the way so I finally just settled with this. Sorry it took so long just to give you this- the next chapter should flow much faster and be a lot better. Gah. Sorry again.


	6. Chapter 6

I rest my head on the door in front of me. Buttercup circles my feet, begging to be let through the door. Maybe he still believes she's in there. Maybe part of me thinks that if I open the door, she will be in there, trying to learn new ways of braiding her hair.

I open the door, and together, Buttercup and I walk through the door. I haven't been in her room since my return home. Everything is exactly the same. I always hated that she had this room. I had missed the times we slept in the same bed, her small body cuddled against me.

I set the pink dress on the bed, and begin speaking into the air.

"I got this for you, Prim. Even if I never liked pink too much, I thought you might like this dress. You could've worn it to your birthday party. I probably would have cried because my little Prim turned 14. Peeta would have made you the prettiest cake, with lots of primroses iced on just for you. You would have begged me to dance, and I would have said yes and we would have danced the night away. Then, we would sit together in your bed as I told you stories of when you were just a little girl."

Buttercup paces the floor, obviously upset. I lie down on the bed and breathe in deeply. Somehow, it still smells like her.

I bury myself under her covers and weep. I weep for my Primrose, who should have been here, turning 14 today. But she isn't here. She was taken from me. And for that, I cry.

Buttercup finds his way to me, and we cry together. I am only brought out of my sobs from the sound of someone knocking on the door.

"Katniss? Can I come in?" Peeta's voice asks from beyond the door. I don't answer, but he comes in anyways. I fight back the urge to scream at him, to tell him he has no right to come in her room because he isn't her sister. I bite my tongue because he loved her too. I've never asked about it all, but I do know that Prim was there for Peeta when he got back to 13 and I wasn't there for him.

I scoot over so he can sit on the bed next to me. Buttercup is smarter than I give him credit for, and moves over as well. Peeta doesn't try to tell me it's all okay, which is good because I would probably yell at him if he did. Instead, he strokes my hair and lets me cry. When I glance up at him, I see he has been crying too. Our odd trio mourns the loss of innocence.

Although I'd like to stay here all day, Peeta convinces me to get out of her bed eventually. We tend the primroses together for a while, until all the weeds are gone and they are fully watered.

Once we enter the house, I see something on the counter I hadn't seen when I first came down.

A cake. A cake with primroses on it.

"I thought she would have liked it," he says, noticing me stare at it.

"She would've. It's beautiful. Thank you," I whisper back. "We should start her page today."

He nods and pulls out the new sheets sent in from Dr. Aurelius.

"Could you draw her? I know I have a few pictures, but she always loved your drawings so much."

He nods, and we both begin to work.

_At a time, I was sure Primrose was the only person I loved. She, on the other hand, loved everyone she came across. Her passion was in helping people, and she had a talent for healing. She would've been a doctor, a really great one. She was extremely intelligent, often helping me to sort through things. Prim would cry over injured animals and try her best to heal them. With Lady and Buttercup, she did just that. Even the animals loved her. It was impossible to not love Prim. Her big blue eyes sucked everyone in. She could have used it to her advantage, but she was never one to manipulate people. _

I expect myself to cry, but all my tears have been spent. Instead, a strangled noise finds it way outside of my mouth. Peeta glances up from his drawing at me. Before I can blink, he's already holding me, calming me down from my tearless sobs.

I don't understand Peeta. I don't understand why he sticks around with me when most of the time all I do is cry. He always does nice things for me, like on my birthday a few weeks ago, he made me a cake. And today, he made one for Prim as well. I don't get why he is still so good. Besides his flashbacks, which still happen a few times a week, he's always there for me. At least he's finally allowed me to try and help as best I can, although I wish it could be more than me just sitting there while he tries to remember what's real and what's not.

He seems to understand me, though. He knows when I do and when I don't want to talk. He never pushes me when I shut down. He can hear the words I cannot voice.

"I'm glad you're here with me." I don't realize I said the words aloud until I notice his quizzical look.

"I'm glad to be with here with you as well."

"What made you come back?"

"It's still home, even if it was destroyed. And I missed you. I had questions only you could answer. There was no other place to go."

"I see. I would've back here, too, even if I didn't have too."

We go back to working on our pages, only stopping to eat dinner. We work late into the night. After Peeta finishes the picture of Prim, I stare at it for a long time. He got the colors of her hair just right, golden yellow. Her eyes are bright and full of life, like they should be. In the picture, she's wearing the pink dress I had found for her. I carefully copy my words next to her. Once the page is complete, we seal it and place it in the book with the small number of pages already done.

We head to bed, stopping by Prim's room one more time.

"Happy Birthday, Prim."

"I was going to call you yesterday, but it slipped my mind," I say into the receiver.

My mother replies simply, "It's fine."

"I just…I thought we needed to talk. We haven't in a while…"

"About what?"

"I don't know. We rarely speak."

"I've been busy."

"I know. I guess…I guess I'll let you go then." After that, I slam the phone down, my anger rising. Why is my mother shutting me, and only me, out? I try not to be jealous, but it's as if Annie is her daughter now, not me. Since they both live in Four, they have been talking and my mother helps Annie with her pregnancy. She practically ignores me.

The only reason I even bothered calling her was Dr. Aurelius told me I needed to mend our relationship. Evidently, it was going to be one-sided, assuming I was going to keep trying. I probably won't.

Peeta enters the room. I can see him trying to gauge my mood right now. It shouldn't be hard, the way my hands are gripping the desk where the phone sits.

"What happened?"

"She doesn't even want to talk to me. She's replaced me with Annie," I spit. It's a good thing Peeta knows not to take my tone to heart.

"That's not true, Katniss. You know that's not true."

"It sure seems like it is true."

"Your mother is hurting too, Katniss…"

"You sound like Dr. Aurelius."

"The man is right most of the time."

"Well, he's wrong about this."

"That your mother is hurting?"

"No, I meant he's wrong by saying that she hasn't replaced me."

"She just doesn't know how to deal with you right now. You remind her of you father and Prim."

"I'm the one stuck living in the place they both lived. Why does she get to be the one to run away? Why does she get to hide from it all? And then still ignore her daughter? Why does she always leave me to be the strong one?" I wish Peeta had the answers, but he doesn't. But he's here, and he has comforting words. So I allow him to pull me into his arms, the only place I can feel truly safe anymore. The only good place. I allow him to soothe me.

"You're not going to leave me, are you?" I ask. I almost regret because what if he is going to leave? Or what if I make him feel like he _has_ to stay?

"Of course not. I would never leave you."

I nod and bury myself into his chest. I breathe in the smell of Peeta. Of course, he always smells like bread, but it's a nice scent. I can't name all the smells of him, but they calm me down. It's nice when it's just us, in our own world, my head on chest, his resting in my hair.

Even with all of our bad moments, there are still good ones. And those are the things keeping me together.

I feel an odd sensation stirring inside me. It's something I've felt a few times since my return, something I once knew. I couldn't name it until now.

Hope.

_A/N: Since the last chapter took so long, I did my best to get one up today._

_Thank you for reading!_


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